Early in a relationship, you and your partner can’t stop thinking about each other. You constantly want to touch each other, and they’re all you can think about. As the relationship progresses and your lives get busier, that intimacy starts to fade. At first it doesn’t seem like a big issue, but further down the line it puts a real strain on the relationship. You grow apart, and that initial fire seems like a distant memory. It doesn’t have to be like this though. There will always be seasons in a marriage where intimacy lessens, but with a little intentional work and planning, you can maintain much more closeness than you might think.
Redefine What Intimacy Means
In those early days you couldn’t keep away from each other. The fact that this isn’t happening now doesn’t have to be a sign of doom on its own. Intimacy changes as you and your partner build a life together, and that’s okay. That isn’t to say that you should settle for a marriage without it, but rather to suggest that you think about what you want it to look like in this moment of your life. You’re probably not the nest of hormones you were when you were seventeen, so what makes you feel close to your partner *now*. Instead of kissing in the rain, you might cancel a night out with friends to watch a movie together. Or it might set your heart aflame when you come home from a late day at work and all the dishes have been done even though it was your night to wash them. Intimacy and pleasure can change, and that’s okay. You just have to keep tabs on what makes you feel close to each other and make that a part of your life.
Intentionally Spend Time Together
This advice is in every article about intimacy, but that’s because it’s so important. It’s easy for children or work to completely take over life. So be intentional about spending time together. Put a date night on the calendar once a month, or once a week, whatever you can manage. But make sure it happens. If you don’t, it’s so easy to let six months go by and realize you haven’t spent any time with your partner, and that’s not healthy.
Find Intimacy In The Small Things
Maybe you can only schedule that date night once a month, but you find yourselves needing more. You can still have it; you just have to be intentional about making the little moments more intimate. Stay awake to have some pillow-talk in bed, even if you’re tired, or get up early to have coffee together for twenty minutes before the kids get up. Have lunch together during work, or even do chores like grocery shopping together, as long as it’s not a chore that makes you fight. Even if these moments are short, they will still help. Be intentional, keep your attention on your partner, and put your whole self into this time.
Get More Physical
This isn’t specifically about having more sex, though that’s absolutely an option. But you can increase the amount of touching you do throughout the day, even if it isn’t always leading to sex. Give your partner a kiss on your way out the door, or a quick neck massage while they’re doing bills. Hold their hand at your kid’s soccer game, or touch their shoulder as you walk past. This is a good way to tell them you’re thinking about them.
Talk About Your Needs
This might seem obvious, but so often it’s the last thing people try. If one or both of you feel like the intimacy has faded, set aside a little time and talk about it. Find out how you’re feeling, and talk about what might help. Even if neither of you are sure, brainstorm together. This conversation goes a lot better if you have it before a lot of resentment’s built up about your lack of connection, so make sure you do it early and often. Talking to your partner about feelings is never a bad idea, no matter what stage your relationship is at, and that conversation alone can help with intimacy.
Rebuilding intimacy in the face of a busy life doesn’t have to be difficult, it just has to be intentional. There are lots of ways to do this, so you can find one that fits into your lifestyle. You might have to do a little bit of experimenting to find out what works, but it will be worth it in the end, as your relationship grows and changes in a positive direction.
If you’re struggling with intimacy, marriage counseling can help. Contact me for a free consultation.