People’s values are a large part of their identity. Someone’s religion, environmental stance, political feelings, and any number of other factors are part of creating who they are. We would all like to think that we will fall in love with someone who shares our values, but the truth is that it’s unlikely you’ll find someone who matches up with every value you hold. This doesn’t mean the relationship won’t work, but it does mean that you should do some reflection and ask yourself a few key questions to determine if the relationship can overcome these differences.
What are your Values?
This doesn’t seem like it would be a hard question to answer, but if you’ve never sat down and thought about what the core of your beliefs are about money, religion, the environment, politics, or anything else, you may not be able to articulate what your values are, even if they’ve been guiding your life all along. When you meet someone, or preferably even before you start dating, you should take some time to understand what things are really important to you. What things do you need a partner to agree with you about, what things do you value but don’t mind if someone else does or not? This is a good way to keep yourself from being pulled into a relationship where you and your partner hold completely incompatible values.
Which of these values are non-negotiable?
Once you’ve determined what your values are, think about which of them are truly at the core of your identity. You should know where you feel you could make compromises and where you cannot. It’s not healthy to be inflexible on everything, but you are allowed to hold some things as such an integral part of yourself that they will not change. This is generally a good thing to know even before you start dating, but it’s never too late to have this conversation with yourself. It can save you a lot of time, at any stage, when you figure out where you can bend and where you can’t.
Are You And Your Partner Willing To Compromise?
Where there is room for discussion, there is room for compromise. This is something both of you need to be willing to do. So, once you and your partner have identified your areas of difference, you should talk about what is set in stone, and what compromises you both are willing to make. If neither of you, or only one of you is willing to meet in the middle on a majority of issues, that’s a pretty good sign the relationship will hit rough waters pretty quickly.
What Will You Do When You Come Across A Difference In Values?
Some information about your partner’s values will come out really early in the relationship, so you can make choices accordingly. But values change, or someone may hide their feelings on a subject until later in the relationship. Whatever happens, you. may run into a deep difference of opinion that has a big impact on your relationship at some point. If you’ve considered beforehand how the two of you might handle something like this, you will be much more prepared to cope with it in a constructive manner. If the two of you know how to have compassionate, reflective conversations, you will have a much easier time finding a middle ground where you’re both comfortable.
Being with someone who doesn’t share your every thought doesn’t have to spell doom, and sometimes it can be really enriching to have very different views of the world. You just have to be sure that you both have a solid understanding of what’s important to you, and how you might handle any kind of difference. It’s good to have conversations like these early in the relationship, so you can identify any areas of potential conflict and decide if you’re both willing to work on them. Values, like so many other parts of relationships, need to be treated with kindness and respect, and you need to support each other in building your separate and collective identities.
If you are having difficulty with values in your relationship marriage counseling can help.Contact me today for a free consultation.