Just as it’s challenging to live with a mental illness, it’s also challenging to live with someone who struggles with mental health. You want to help them, because you care. But the path isn’t always clear, and it’s hard to know how you can be a good advocate and ally. You need to understand their mental illness, support them, and continue to build your relationship. Mental illness makes things harder for both of you, and it is often a longterm challenge. There are lots of ways you can help your partner and yourself, and build a strong, fulfilling relationship.
Understand Their Diagnosis
It’s important that you understand what your partner is dealing with. Don’t rely on assumption; there is a lot of stigma and misinformation about mental health. Instead, find resources written by people who study or experience that particular mental illness. You should also talk to your partner directly, since mental illness affects everyone differently and it’s critical that you learn about their specific experiences. Scientific articles are a place to start, but learning about people’s lived experience is paramount. Your partner will appreciate that you’re taking the time to learn, and you’ll have a better understanding of what’s happening in both your lives.
Validate, Don’t Fix
It’s hard to see someone you care about in pain. You desperately want to help. But sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. If they specifically ask for help, go ahead. But more often than not, they just want to know someone’s heard them and understands what they’re dealing with. Avoiding becoming the fix-it person can be challenging, but your partner will appreciate that you are a safe person to talk to when they just need to get things off their chest.
Don’t Dismiss their Feelings
You can’t logic your partner better. For example, when someone is anxious, you can tell them that everything’s fine. You are trying to help, but often what your partner hears is some version of “Your feelings don’t matter, and now pretend that you’re fine because that’s what I just told you.” Anxiety doesn’t always follow logic. They might rationally know that there’s nothing to worry about, but they’re anxious anyway, and you telling them they shouldn’t be just makes them ashamed that they can’t control it. There are other ways that you can support them. Ask if they want to talk about their fears, or if they want to make a plan to lessen their anxiety, or if they would rather have a distraction. No matter what they’re dealing with, if you make them feel heard and understood, you will make yourself an excellent ally for them as they navigate the challenges of their mental health, and that is the most precious gift you can give them.
Encourage Their Efforts To Get Help
When your partner expresses the desire to get therapy, or medication, or to take any steps towards greater health and happiness, do your best to be supportive. Even if you had a bad experience with therapy, or your aunt constantly talks about how antidepressants don’t work. If the intervention isn’t dangerous, encourage and support them. It’s frightening to try new things, and there’s usually a lot of trial and error involved in any intervention. But your partner needs to know you have their back while they find what helps them.
Care For Yourself
When your partner struggles with mental illness, it’s easy to let it take over your lives, and to prioritize caring for their needs above all else. And while it’s important that you’re there for them, it’s also important that you care for yourself. Make sure that you find time to tend to your own needs, whether that’s joining support groups, participating in your own therapy, or just getting out of the house and enjoying hobbies that are important to you. You won’t be a good partner if you burn out. Remember that just like you love them and want them to thrive, they hopefully want the same for you.
Having a loved one who deals with mental illness can be challenging, but you can still have a fulfilling and mutually loving relationship. If you remember to be an ally and support system for your partner, while setting and maintaining healthy boundaries that help you care for your own needs, you can have a longterm happy relationship with a person you love that isn’t just about the illness. The two of you will find ways to navigate your challenges together, and you can build a relationship that’s based on the many reasons you love each other. With open communication, understanding, and some outside support, you can both thrive.
Marriage counseling, to help guide both of you through this process is a key part of building your healthy happy partnership. Contact me today for a free consultation.