When you join your life with someone else’s, it is possible that you will clash with their family. Even if things aren’t explosively awful, bringing two families together can be a delicate process, which requires care and attention. If you put in the effort though, you can build a truly positive relationship that will be a valuable part of your life. Here are some methods to try to make the process go more smoothly.
Think Of Them As Part Of Your Family
Taking a positive approach to bonding with your partner’s family helps create a healthy and enriching relationship. These people may not have been a part of your life before, but they are now. This doesn’t mean you always have to like them, in the same way you don’t always like your own family. But it does mean that you need to gather with them, fight with them, and reconcile with them as if you love them no matter what and want them in your life. If you treat them like family, hopefully they will do the same for you.
Include Them In Your Lives
Your partner’s family is used to being their first priority, and now that’s changed. They may be legitimately afraid that now that you’re married, they’ll be losing their child or sibling. One way to combat this fear is to actively work to include them in your lives, just as much as your own family. Invite them over for dinner, share your good news with them, and take initiative to spend time with them without always needing to be prompted by your partner. Reassuring them that you want them involved will likely ease their fears that you want to take your partner away from them, and will go a long way towards building a positive relationship.
Set Appropriate Boundaries
You want your and your partner’s family involved in your lives. But it’s important to decide how much. There are some things you will joyfully share with everyone, and some things that you’d rather keep private. It’s important to understand and enforce those boundaries as quickly as you can. And because you’re dealing with someone else’s family, it’s even more important to make this a collaborative process with your partner. Talk to them about what you want to include the families in, and what you want to keep between the two of you, and then stick to that as a united front. It may sometimes be hard to enforce these boundaries, but it’s necessary for maintaining trust with your partner and respectful interactions with the rest of the family.
Let Your Spouse Be the Mediator
If you end up having a problem with your partner’s family, it’s usually best to let them act as the go-between. They love both parties involved in the dispute, and are in the best position to try to create a peaceful resolution. This of course depends on your partner; if they are bad at conflict they might not be the best option. But unless you have a really great relationship with your in-laws already, it is often risky to try to navigate a dispute with them without your partner’s input, especially if you’re just recently married. This is another thing the two of you should discuss, so that if a conflict does arise, you both know how you’d like to handle it. But it’s important that you trust your partner enough to let them guide the process.
Be Flexible
Getting along with a new family often means compromises. Maybe you spend Christmas at a different place, or sometimes switch your family dinner to Fridays instead of Sundays. You might have to adopt different traditions or be willing to change your routines. It’s perfectly alright to preserve the traditions you treasure, but if you’re willing to give a little, and do your best to integrate your traditions with your new family’s, you will likely have a more positive and giving relationship from both sides. You may even get introduced to new things that you enjoy. If you’re finding the blending difficult, try working with both sides to create new traditions that you all feel a part of.
Taking on another family can be difficult. But try to remember that you’re doing this for your partner. After all, these people made the person you love. Do your best, be patient, and treat them with as much love and respect as possible. In time, you can build a loving extended family that will enrich your life for years to come.
If you want help learning how to do this effectively, Marriage counseling can help you acquire the tools you need. Contact me today for a free consultation.