No one enjoys fighting, but it’s inevitable in every relationship. It’s a byproduct of existing with and caring about another person. Fighting is never comfortable, but it can actually be a positive tool to use in your relationship, which can create opportunities for growth.
Fighting can help to establish a sense of trust and openness. It can help clear away baggage that might have been blocking communication. It also creates vulnerability; we sometimes say things during a fight that we would never say during a quiet discussion, and express ourselves more honestly, which can help our partners understand us better.
Fighting also teaches you both how you operate under stress. Small disagreements show how you deal with conflict, which can help when bigger disruptions happen.
The caveat for these positives is that they can only exist if you follow some rules. You shouldn’t fight just to hurt your partner, and you should practice active listening, no matter how angry you are. If you combine these key practices with some of the guidelines below, your fights will hopefully happen less frequently as you learn from them. And when they do happen, they will help you grow as a couple
Learn When To Pause
While it’s not bad to argue, certain actions might make pausing a good idea. You should always pause before you start a fight. You’re upset, and will likely say something you don’t mean. Save yourself the regret and take a few breaths before you start, and use that time to think through what you plan to say and what you want to accomplish,
You should also stop if either of you starts yelling or insulting the other person. It’s tempting to respond in kind when someone starts being cruel, but taking a break is a better choice that can keep the fight from escalating.
Watch Your Language
How you say something is important. Some standard, but solid advice when dealing with conflict is to use statements that focus on “I”, instead of “you”. Blame makes your partner defensive, and it’s more important for you to talk about your feelings and needs. Tell them that you feel unimportant when they are late, or that you feel used when they expect you to pick up their mess. Be specific, and try to be honest.
Ask Yourself Some Questions
It might seem counter-intuitive and difficult to think through a fight while you’re having it. You’ll learn a lot from doing this though, and will likely become a stronger couple. Ask yourself what you’re actually mad about? Is it really that they were late for dinner, or is there a bigger issue the two of you could work on together? Next, ask yourself how you can clearly express your needs to your partner, while avoiding behaviors like passive-aggression or spitefulness. And lastly, ask where you want to end up after this fight. If you know you still want to be together and growing with your partner, it may help you keep your fighting more constructive from the beginning.
Keep Both Of Your Needs In Mind
If you need something from your partner, and you are not getting it, tell them. It’s almost a cliché at this point to remind people not to make their partner try to read their mind, but we all do it. Sometimes we don’t realize we’re being unclear, or we feel unseen and we want to know if our partner understands us. Don’t play this game; no one wins and you waste a lot of time. Instead, make your needs plain, and listen if they tell you theirs. This is most effective when it goes both ways. Even if you don’t understand or share their needs, make them feel heard and validated, and they should do the same for you.
Finish The Fight
Fighting is painful, and it’s tempting to walk away and end things abruptly. But though it’s unpleasant, we know that it has its purposes which can only really be realized when the fight is brought to a conclusion. So try to see it through until you come to some kind of understanding. If you need to take a break to get back on track, that’s okay, but make a point to return to the discussion. This is a good way to turn your fights into tools that can improve your relationship.
Get Help From A Professional
If you find that you and your partner are fighting a lot, and you’re not finding resolutions, or your fights are turning really ugly, it may be time to get some outside help. A couples’ counselor will act as an unbiased mediator, and can help you ask some important questions and identify patterns. They’re not caught up in feelings, so they can see things more clearly. A conversation with a therapist is also a good time to make sure that you and your partner are actually understanding each other and not talking at cross purposes. A lot of people think that only truly dysfunctional couples go to marriage counseling, but even the healthiest couples want to improve their communication; that’s how they stay healthy.
If you want to start working with a marriage counselor, to help you learn how to grow from your fighting, please Contact me today to discuss scheduling a free consultation.