All relationships have their ups and downs. When things are going well, relationships can be a great source of comfort, fun, and fulfillment. Unfortunately during rough periods, there can be a lot of stress pain, and emotional upheaval. If you start to feel that you may be better off leaving the relationship a lot of stress or panic can ensue. As hard as it can be, sometimes the best decision is to separate. Before doing that though a lot of couples want to feel they tried everything which can include counseling. Here are a couple of suggestions if you are in this situation.
Figure out if the foundation of the relationship is strong
Sometimes it can be difficult to tell whether the relationship at its core remains strong and whether the issues you are having are resolvable to get back to a good and healthy relationship. A metaphor I like to think about is the foundation of a house. If the foundation of the house is strong and the inside of the house is messy, is it worth getting a new house or is it sufficient to just clean up the mess, and then the house will be in great shape again? Easier said than done of course. It can be helpful to come up with a list of what makes the relationship foundation strong versus what can be causing a mess. Some examples of traits that make a relationship strong are trust, respect, admiration, and a deep connection. If those traits are there is it worth it to try to clean up the current mess in the house which could include things like infidelity, communication, issues with in-laws, constant fighting, or temporary anger or resentment. Being able to talk to your partner about all of these things is vital. If you don’t think you can talk to your partner about these things try to figure out why that is. Each couple is its unique entity so try to be insightful and see what the best path forward is for both you and your relationship
Seek individual or couples counseling
If you are struggling with all of these issues, figuring it out on your own can be daunting. Counseling can help! Individual counseling is ideal for helping to decide between staying or leaving for you as an individual and how that will affect your life. A counselor can help you see things more clearly and provide objective feedback that may be helpful. The confidentiality that counseling provides can make it more helpful than seeking advice or discussing your situation with friends or family. Couples counseling can be helpful if you think there are things you can work on as a couple. This could include any of the issues mentioned above that relate to the foundation of your relationship. It could also include other surface issues or temporary upsetting situations that are causing problems. Discernment counseling is also an option in which couples agree to meet with a therapist for a certain number of set sessions to decide if they want to ultimately stay together or split up. Discernment counseling is structured, lasts for about 5 sessions, and only requests that you go through the process of the five sessions before ultimately deciding if the relationship is worth saving or ending.
All relationships have their rough patches. Sometimes that leads us to consider if it is best to stay or go. Such a decision is major. If you are in this situation, figuring out if the foundation is strong and seeing marriage counseling can be helpful. Contact me today.