Every relationship hits a rough patch. These can be little stumbling blocks that are over quickly, or bigger issues that leave you wondering whether your relationship is about to end. Sometimes this trouble is very apparent, and sometimes it sneaks up on you. But once you’ve spotted it, you can take action to try and get things back to stable ground. There’s no guarantee that you’ll absolutely be able to save your relationship, but if you’re both invested in making things work, taking some of these steps will get you back on track so you can start rebuilding a new and stronger partnership.
Have A Conversation
You may both know the relationship is in trouble, but if you never talk about it with each other you’ll never be able to start working on it together. It’s also possible that you’ve seen the warning signs, but your partner hasn’t. There will be a lot of other conversations that will follow this one, but it’s essential that you both acknowledge the problem so that you can work on it as a team.
Make Sure You’re Both Invested
Once you’ve acknowledged the problem, it’s time to take a serious look at whether the relationship is something you both want to save. This should never be accompanied by ultimatums or threats of breaking up. Instead, you should both take an honest look at what you want, so you can decide if you want to go forward. Relationships can be revived, but it takes work. If you’re not committed to doing that, or your partner isn’t, your efforts may not be effective.
Listen to what Is Said, And What Isn’t Said
It’s crucial that you figure out why your relationship is having trouble. Often, the things you fight about daily aren’t actually the problem. Consider what the fights are about, and try to trace them back to the source. For example, your partner never doing the dishes probably isn’t the main issue. Likely, the bigger issue is that you don’t feel supported, or your partner doesn’t follow through on what they say they’ll do. On the other hand, perhaps your partner isn’t doing the dishes because they feel like you ask too much of them, or because they are genuinely feeling unappreciated. These are the deeper issues you both have that you can now address.
Ask Why
It’s helpful to determine why your partner does a certain behavior, along with why it bothers you. There might be a lot of past baggage causing these destructive behaviors and reactions. You should both take time to reflect on what might be causing these, then talk about it together. This won’t entirely fix the problem, but you’ll have a better understanding of why things are happening, and what you can do to address them.
Be Present During Arguments
Related to the step above, pay attention to how you’re behaving during fights. Are you saying things to resolve the argument? Are you struggling to feel heard? Are you just trying to win the fight, or to hurt your partner’s feelings? And how are they responding to you? It’s difficult to be this observant in the heat of the moment, but if you work at it, you can learn this level of self-awareness.
Listen To And Validate Each Other
Really listen to your partner, make sure you understand and acknowledge their feelings. You may not agree with them, but their feelings are just as real as yours. If you make them feel heard, this will put you both in a better place to understand each other’s perspectives. One way to do this well is to paraphrase what your partner said. That way, you make sure you know what they actually said, not just what you heard, and they know you’re really paying attention.
Talk About What You Need To Feel Loved
Talk about your specific, concrete needs. Maybe you need your partner to follow through more, and maybe they really need to be thanked even for the little things they do. Maybe they need more physical affection, and maybe you need more dedicated quality time. Once you have these needs laid out, you can decide if they are things you’re able to do for each other and make plans for how to fulfill them.
Find a Couple’s Counselor
These steps are easier when someone else guides the conversation. Getting a neutral party involved helps conversations stay productive. They might also notice things that neither of you are seeing.
You don’t have to wait until things are in crisis to seek out help. There is no shame in seeing a therapist at any stage of your relationship, whether you’re newly married or on your fiftieth anniversary. Maintenance and care are never bad things.
Relationships take a lot of effort to maintain If you and your partner really want to make things work, there is a great deal of hope that you can get things back to a better place. Remember to communicate in an honest and compassionate way, and remember that at the end of the day you love each other and want to be together. If you start from this set of core beliefs, you can recover and rebuild. Contact me today for a free consultation and to learn more about marriage counseling.