Healthy and productive communication is the backbone of a good relationship. How many times does the idea of communication come up when you think or talk about your relationship? “If only she’d listen to what I’m trying to say,” or “He never tells me what he’s feeling,” are all about missed opportunities to communicate. Telling your spouse or significant other: “Talk to me!” or “Why don’t we ever talk?” is the same as begging them to work on communication skills.
There are some practices you can try that are recommended by couples therapists for working on your communication with your partner, so you can connect more productively, feel safe and heard, establish greater trust, and diminish hard feelings, imbalance, and even loneliness within the relationship. Since communicating includes both speaking and listening, the exercises below include ways to practice both. You are busy, so we offer ideas that do not take up lots of your time but have great results. See which of the ideas below resonates with you or better yet, try all of them!
Mindful listening
Have you ever noticed someone who seems to be waiting to speak rather than listening to you? Or interrupts constantly, or even tries to finish your sentences for you? It can be frustrating, especially if it happens at home with your partner. But even if you think you both avoid butting in pretty well, try this exercise and see what you learn. Sit down with half an hour to devote to this. The first partner speaks for five minutes, maybe even six or seven. The other person simply listens. No interruptions. Not one peep. At the end of the five minutes, that partner can ask clarifying questions—the kind that is based not on factual details but in connecting better, like “What did it feel like to share that?” or “How can I help if that happens again?”Conversing in this way without judgment or defensiveness and with deep listening can help two people feel immediately closer. Did you have to stop yourself from interrupting? Whether it was hard or easy, mindful listening can become a habit, not just an exercise.
The “I Feel Loved” dialogue.
This back-and-forth fits into a clear pattern and can help both of you not only be reminded of love but learn perhaps surprising things from your partner. It’s easy. You start by saying, “I feel loved by you when…” and you insert whatever it is that your partner does to make you feel loved. It does not have to be a grand gesture. Sometimes we don’t really know how our partner receives our daily actions. Handing someone their morning cup of coffee may be the most loving moment of their day. The exchange should go fairly quickly. Once you say your first statement, your partner says, “Thank you.” That’s it. No personal interpretation or positive or negative comment. The idea is to learn not to judge what the other feels. After “thank you” they say, “I feel loved by you when…” and you say, “Thank you” and you keep going back and forth for up to 15 minutes or so. Once you get started you will find the thoughts flow. Focusing on how you feel loved and on gratitude for your partner’s honesty can release feel-good hormones and enhance wellbeing as well as improve communication. When you are done, discuss! Did you learn anything new or surprising? How did it feel?
Reflective listening
Also called mirroring, this technique creates engagement. Take turns sharing. When one of you speaks, the other repeats what was said—without interpretation or analysis. Then you ask, “Did I get that right?” (Never assume.) They can say yes or no and have a chance to clarify if needed. This kind of listening also involves validation. Once you have correctly heard your partner, supportive words such as “That makes total sense,” or “I understand it so much better now” can be very comforting.
40/40/20
As in percentages. In a conversation of ten minutes, twenty minutes, an hour… whatever amount of time you take, divide it up into blocks. This is a compassionate listening exercise that is great for conflict resolution and healing a rift. The first 40% of the dialogue is one partner’s chance to share their feelings. The other partner gets 40% of the time too. The 20% left is for discussion of the relationship or conflict. That can happen in two 10% blocks or all at once at the end or in the middle… whatever works for your flow. The key is to listen actively and avoid self-defense or accusations. Because you are spending 40% of the time listening to your partner and another 40% of the time sharing your feelings, the set-up is gracious and accommodating. The conflict will look different once you’ve shared deeply without interruption, and the discussion in the remaining 20% of the time may seem much less daunting.
\If you are struggling with communication in your relationship, marriage counseling can help. Contact me today for a free consultation.