If you have decided to start couples therapy, I applaud you! Making the decision that you want to try getting professional help is the first step in doing the hard work to improve your relationship or get more clarity on relationship dynamics. Now that you have decided to invest time and money in the process, there are things you can do to maximize the success of the process. Here are four tips that will hopefully be helpful.
Be open and honest about your feelings
If you try couples counseling, it is important to be open and honest. This is not the time to hide things or sugarcoat the truth about what is going on in the relationship. Hopefully, your couples counselor will create an environment where you feel as comfortable as possible talking about subjects that are fraught with difficulties. These topics can vary by the couple but could include lack of sexual activity, difficulties with your partner's family, or communication patterns that lead to explosive arguments. If you do not share this with your couple's counselor or partner it will be impossible to make progress on such important issues.
Complete any homework or tasks that your counselor suggests you do between sessions
Depending on the couples counselor you choose, they may ask you to complete homework or do tasks between sessions. Hopefully, you view this homework as constructive as opposed to something punitive or annoying like you may have faced in school. Homework could include having a date night together to enjoy each other's company or reading about healthier communication patterns to reduce conflict. Hopefully, this homework will have a synergistic effect with the work you are doing in counseling and you see positive results. If you find the homework to not be very effective, talk to your counselor about it to figure out what the problem may be. Also, when looking for a couples counselor, if having assignments to do between sessions is important to you, ask them about how often they use these tools when working with couples.
Put in your best effort
For couples counseling to be effective, difficult topics will need to be discussed frankly. With this in mind, there may be a temptation to run away from the process to avoid being hurt or feeling upset. Sometimes, couples come to counseling with issues that have existed for many years or decades so it is natural that there will be pain in working through these issues. It is important to try your best to lean into these uncomfortable issues. The goal is to work through them and then get to a better place in the relationship. Although this can be a long difficult slog, try to trust the process and continue to put in your best effort to work through things.
Limit what you share with others outside of the session
Often couples discuss their issues with their partner with family and friends. While it may be comforting to get support from people who are close to you, there are two issues with discussing your relationship problems with others. First, most people want to be able to decide on their own whether they want to stay in a relationship. Letting others influence or make this decision for you can be undesirable and leave you with regrets. Second, if you discuss your partner's flaws with family and friends and then decide to stay in the relationship, your family and friends are likely to retain their feelings of dislike for your partner which can be troubling. For these reasons, if someone you know asks you about your relationship with your partner, it is best to answer that we are working with a professional counselor on our issues and I’d prefer to leave it at that.
Deciding to try couples counseling is a courageous decision. With the time and money, you are going to invest in this process, it is important to do everything you can to maximize a successful outcome. Four tips to do this are being open and honest about your feelings, completing homework assignments, putting in your best effort, and limiting what you share with others outside of the session. If you are looking for marriage counseling, I can be an option. Please review my website and contact me today.